Crying Won’t Make Us Unmanly
I have a confession to make: I am highly sensitive, gentle, intuitive and I cry a lot. However it took me a very long time to get into this stage of acknowledging this side of me with confidence. Because at the same time, I consider myself a masculine man but the problem is our society has a distorted view of what it means to be a masculine which is being unemotional, stoic, tough, brash, self-reliant, aggressive. In other words, the exact opposite of who I am which suggests that I am not masculine enough unless I “correct” my entire personality. As a result, I found myself in a constant wrestling match between my true inner self and my perceived macho image of myself in order to fit the alpha male standards.
So many of us have been trained to bottle up our emotions since we were toddlers and the only acceptable ways for us to display our emotions are thru anger and joy. Its fine if you naturally have a more stoic personality and can get away with it without having mental issues but many of us including myself find this act very unnatural which greatly affect our mental health.
Speaking from my own experience…
I was born in 1977 and I remember back when I was a little boy in the early 80s, the song “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure came out and became widely popular. That song served as my first taste of the societal pressure being forced upon us. It didn’t help that I was also raised in a community with a patriarchy culture. I was constantly being told that big boys don’t cry, that I have to man up and stop acting like a sissy. I feel 100% masculine but because of the societal pressure that we have to be tough and stoic, I tried to bottle up my emotions. It took me a long time before I could do it more easily. But because I was going against my more sensitive nature, I eventually struggled to accept myself which took a huge toll on my confidence, self-esteem and mental health. I found myself struggling to handle my negative emotions especially when I experience the first loss of my life: my mother’s death. Although death is among the few instances where males can freely cry without being judged but as a 14 yr old teenager having been overfed with machismo, I felt uncomfortable with crying. I had a very difficult time coping with her loss and I found myself getting lost and didn’t know what to do. Although I am naturally an empath but I refused to acknowledge this trait which caused me many failed relationships and broken friendships. Because of my inability to handle my emotions, I also developed a heart disease at a young age of 35 and had my first heart attack at only 39! It took me about 3 decades to finally embrace my softer side and accept who I am although I am not perfect and there are still moments wherein I fall back into my old ways but I remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me. Everytime I cry my heart out, I feel a lot better after doing it. It makes me feel human and connected with my soul. It also paved the way for me to foster connection, empathy and compassion towards others that otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do if I choose to keep my emotions locked inside my stainless steel bottle.
Many famous great men cried too
I always wonder why crying is acceptable to females while it being a sign of weakness for males. All throughout history, there were stories of men who shed tears. I found out that in the ancient past, men were expected to cry and in fact sensitive men were even celebrated and nobody told them that they were unmanly. Their qualities were featured in several ancient literatures and in the religious texts. The Bible is full of stories of crying men. The classic literary works from the Greek and Roman culture also featured many men who cried and several ancient leaders also shed tears.
How come it is now stigmatized in men?
The modern idea of stigmatizing men for showing vulnerability began during the Renaissance Era in the 15th to 16th centuries. It was during those times when colonizations were taking place. During the Victorian Era, women began to be seen as dainty, more fragile & emotional and because tears has always been associated with emotions and submissiveness so crying began to be seen as more appropriate for women than men. The idea of an brave, strong, emotionless, alpha male was further glorified in the 20th century. During this time, men had to endure being far away from their families as they were drafted in the military to fight for World Wars 1 and 2, Korean War, Vietnam War etc. and most of the time, they had to display a detached attitude and curb their emotions otherwise they wouldn’t be able to do their job in defending our countries.
However it is one thing to curb our emotions in order to get the job done. While there is nothing wrong with being sensitive and emotional but there is a right time and place to release our emotions. Its also equally bad to be overly sensitive over petty things and crying as a form of manipulation in order to get what you want (AKA crocodile tears). Any healthy, matured person of all genders don’t cry over petty things such as favorite team’s loss, not getting your way, boss’ criticism, a negative feedback etc. Nor do they cry to gain people’s sympathy and manipulate them to do things for the crier’s benefit. But it is altogether a different thing to curb our emotions out of fear of being judged. And that is totally unhealthy.
What happens when we curb our emotions?
Fortunately times are changing now and its becoming more acceptable for men to cry nowadays but we still have a long way to go. Most people still expect men to be tough and not to shed tears. Men with more gentle personalities are still being referred to as wimps or sissies especially by fellow males. In reality, men feel things as much as women do. But the way we process our emotions are different from most women. Women usually deal it immediately by crying it out and discussing it with their friends or loved ones while we usually tend to withdraw, handle it ourselves but most of the time, we put our emotions aside because it interferes with our goals. We release our emotions in private only when its more convenient. We are wired to compartmentalize every aspect of our lives including our emotions and organize them in order of importance with our goals taking the #1 spot and anything that gets in the way of our goals are being put in the backburner. At the same time, we are also being pressured by society to be stoic, brave, confident and not show emotions unless its anger. But as it turns out, suppressing our emotions only hurt us in the long run and it not only affect us socially and mentally but also physically. It can lead to several diseases and one of them is heart disease. I mentioned that I had my first heart attack at only 39. According to my cardiologist, one contributing factor for my illness is my high cortisol levels which usually happens when we are very stressed. Because of my inability to handle my emotions, I didn’t realize that it led me to suffer from a long-term stress which greatly increased my cortisol to off the chart levels. A high cortisol levels increase blood cholesterol, triglycerides, blood sugar, and blood pressure which are common risk factors for heart disease. Stress can also cause changes that promote the buildup of plaque deposits in the arteries. Moreover, curbing our emotions also leads to drug and alcohol addiction, violent behavior, depression and suicide. And we all know that while attempted suicide rate is higher in women but committed suicide is three times higher in men. Those are just some of the consequences that we males face if we don’t own up our vulnerability.
Emotion is a sign of our humanness and being forced to disconnect from it is essentially taking away that human aspect from us which doesn’t serve us good. Crying is a form of communication that comes from our soul. It releases our emotions which helps us to cope with stress, grief and to maintain our sanity or it also communicates that we are so overwhelmed with joy that we couldn’t contain our feelings. Whenever I burst into tears because I saw or hear something that reminds me of my late mom, it means that I miss her so much and longing for a motherly love. The same applies whenever I remember my late sister who died last year from Covid-19. I also cried when my wife (then the girl I was courting) said YES, when I got married and when I carried my newborn son for the first time because I was so happy and overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn’t control it. Crying also foster connection with another human being since we humans naturally tend to gravitate towards anyone who sheds tears. Whenever someone is crying, even a stranger will try their best to talk and console this person. So if we can be angry then why not the same with crying? Both are forms of expressing our emotions. What is wrong with shedding a tear? We are living in a flawed world full of uncertainties wherein loneliness is as normal as happiness. There are times when we are happy and there are times when we are sad. That is the very essence of living and one thing we humans have that other creatures don’t.
Social conditioning begins at an early age so let your sons know that its OK to cry
My son is now turning 7 this year and there are times wherein I hesitate to cry in front of him because sometimes I need to be his rock that he can lean on whenever he is hurt, sad or upset and by showing my emotions, my son would just feel more uncomfortable. But there are also times when we cry together like last year when my sister/his aunt died from Covid and just recently when we watched The Land Before Time on Netflix (I have yet to meet someone who wasn’t moved by this animated film). Whenever I watch it, I remember my late mom and also my childhood. I relate much to Littlefoot especially on that tear-jerking scene when his mother died. I make it a point to encourage him to express himself and his feelings openly. I don’t want him to face the same struggles that I had when I was growing up.
As parents, it is our duty to raise our children especially our sons to be productive adults and the best way to do that is to let them be their authentic selves. Do not let society dictate your ability as a parent by succumbing to societal pressures that your children has to fit in even if it feels unnatural to them. Allow them to feel joy, anger, sadness, scared and to express it in ways that are more natural to them and not what society deems to be appropriate.
Women, we need your support.
To be understood and to feel safe are very crucial factors for us to feel more comfortable opening up. See, we feel the same way as you do. We also get hurt, feel vulnerable and emotional even if we don’t show it. In fact, many times we feel things more intensely than you do. But understand that we don’t process emotions the same way as you and your girl friends do so please don’t take it personally if we are silent and want to be alone when we feel bad. Don’t push us to speak about our feelings when we don’t want to. What you simply need to do is to be there for us in silence. You can pray for us if you want. Eventually we will come around once everything is settled in our minds. As valid as your point is in telling us how healthy it is to speak out our emotions like what you do with your friends but it is not that easy for us to do because that is not how we are naturally wired. Still that doesn’t mean we don’t need your help. If we do cry in front of you, just listen. Make us feel that we aren’t less of a man for doing it and that you won’t judge us for it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t trust you. It is simply the result of the way we were raised and it takes a lot of work for us to undo all the damage caused by the toxic masculinity. Give us time and lots of patience.
I’m very blessed to be married to my best friend who I met when I was 15 and struggling with depression. I was actually on the verge of committing suicide when I met her and instantly fell in love with her at first sight (I consider that encounter as a divine intervention). Although I was already in love with her but still we began as friends. I feel safe with her that I was able to open myself up to her and know that I have somebody on my back who won’t judge me. To be honest, she is the only person who I can comfortably cry in front of. But we didn’t start out that way and it took me some years before I was convinced that she is the one for me. So don’t lose hope if it seems your man doesn’t want to open up his feelings with you. All he needs is more time and your loving encouragement.
We are all humans and we are entitled to our own feelings. People of all genders are allowed to cry when we have to. Being authentic by showing our vulnerability is actually a very brave act and a manly thing to do. It takes a lion’s heart and a warrior’s guts for us to get in that level. Let us show society that crying has nothing to do with our masculinity. Our manhood belongs to us regardless if we are an alpha or a gentle type and no one can ever take it away from us.
